The Year I Hit the Wall: What Burnout Actually Felt Like (And How I Climbed Out)
- P. Murray
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 5 hours ago
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I didn't think it was burnout when it was happening. That's the thing they don't tell you. I thought I was tired. I thought it was a hard stretch. I thought I just needed a weekend where I didn't have to be anywhere, and then I'd be fine.
And then the hard stretch became a season, and the season became the better part of a year, and somewhere in there I started dreading going to work in a way that I couldn't explain to anyone who hadn't felt it. I'm a physician. I chose this. I still believe in the work. And I was completely burned out.
Physician burnout is not a rare experience. The 2023 Medscape Physician Burnout and Depression Report found that 53% of physicians reported burnout symptoms .... with emergency medicine, internal medicine, and family medicine leading the list. Women physicians experience burnout at higher rates than men (63% vs. 46% in recent surveys). The professional you're trusting with your health is, statistically, exhausted.
Physician Burnout by Specialty (2023 Data)
Specialty | Burnout Rate | Top Cited Cause |
Emergency Medicine | 65% | Too many bureaucratic tasks |
Internal Medicine | 60% | Too many hours at work |
OB/GYN | 58% | Lack of respect from colleagues/admin |
Family Medicine | 56% | EHR and documentation burden |
Pediatrics | 49% | Insufficient compensation |
Surgery | 52% | Lack of autonomy |
Psychiatry | 44% | Too many patients |
Source: Medscape National Physician Burnout & Depression Report, 2023.
The Way It Showed Up for Me
It wasn't dramatic. I didn't cry in a supply closet. (Though I know colleagues who have, and there's no shame in that.) For me it was quieter. It was a growing distance between myself and the patients .... not cruelty, not negligence, but a kind of glass that appeared between me and the room. I was present but not all the way there. I came home depleted in a way that sleep didn't fix. I had nothing left for the kids after about 6pm.
My husband noticed before I named it. He asked me one night if I was okay, and I said yes automatically, the way you do, and then I sat with it for a week before I said: actually, no.
What Helped .... and What I Tried First That Didn't
The first thing I did was the thing that doesn't work: I tried to push through. I scheduled a vacation and thought that would reset everything. It helped for about ten days. The second thing I tried was restructuring my schedule .... I took on fewer complex cases, tried to protect one lunch break a week. Marginally useful. Not enough.
What actually helped was talking to someone. I started seeing a therapist .... something I should have done two years earlier .... and within a few months I had language for what I was experiencing and some actual tools for it. Not magic, not instant. But real.
I also got honest about the EHR time. I was doing two to three hours of documentation every evening. I learned four new macros and templated my most common visit types. I got that evening time back. The relief of that was disproportionately large.
And I started walking in the morning .... not for fitness exactly, but for those twenty minutes of not being needed by anyone.
Evidence-Based Paths Out of Burnout
Intervention | Evidence Level | Time to Effect |
Psychotherapy / coaching | Strong (RCT data) | 6....12 weeks |
Mindfulness-based stress reduction | Moderate (multiple studies) | 8 weeks |
EHR documentation workflow optimization | Strong (AMA data) | 2....4 weeks |
Schedule restructuring / protected time | Moderate | 1....3 months |
Peer support / physician support groups | Emerging | Ongoing |
Physical activity (30 min/day) | Strong (broad literature) | 2....4 weeks |
Sleep optimization | Strong | 1....2 weeks |
What I Want Other Physicians to Hear
Burnout isn't weakness and it isn't a phase you can willpower through. It's a physiological response to sustained demand without recovery. Your nervous system is telling you something.
If you're in it right now: you're not failing. The system is failing you, and also, you need support that the system won't automatically provide. Find a therapist. Tell one colleague the truth. Protect one small thing per day that is just yours. It does get better. I'm evidence of that.
This post reflects my personal experience and is for informational purposes only. It is not medical advice. Please consult your own physician before making any health decisions.
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